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Audition Monologue - Gym Class

From Constellations by David Moberg

Female Monologue -two to three minutes

It was just the best, I mean the best!  Old Olson wanted to croak right there on the gym floor....and we all just about kicked it just laughing at her.   I mean everyone was laughing; all except for Nan; she just kind of sat there suffering, but she's used to that, I mean, I guess you'll have to be used to suffering if you were Nan.  Anyway, it's 4th hour gym class and we're all on the bleachers and in comes Olson, the new gym teacher.  Huge short rhino legs with black nubs on them; kind of puggy cheeks and short fingers with NO polish. 

And she was wearing men's shorts!  I guess her ass was too big to fit into something that a woman would wear.  We all wanted to laugh out loud but we'd heard what a big B she she says, "Everyone...out of the bleachers and around the floor four times."  Everyone jumps up and starts jogging...except Nan of course, she gets all red and embarrassed and tries to explain but she's crying already so no words are coming out. 

So Olson yanks Nan to her feet and screams, "I said everyone, princess, and that means you."  Nan tries to sit back down, but Olson yells, "Now I want your little butt off those bleachers and I want those little God given feet of yours out there pounding the floor."  And she throws Nan forward.  Nan lands smack hard nose first. 

Then she stands up and turns to Olson with the blood running down the buttons on her blouse and screams "I haven't got any feet, God didn't give me any!"

Then Nan loses it and slips back on the bleachers and one of her erector set legs flies off and nails Olson right in the nose.  It was SOOOO funny.  Legless Nan and thunder-thigh Olson both just standing there dripping, crying, and bleeding on the gym floor.  It was the best.  I mean THE best.

Full Script of Constellations available at:
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